Wasted

"eversince, gusto na kita. i was not able to tell you everything. i was afraid kasi magkaibigan tayo."
i don't know if these were the exact words i told her.

"seryoso ka ba talaga? o baka naman sinasakyan mo lang 'yung tukso ko sa'yo?" she was smiling then, but not staring at me.

then i told her "i have waited for this moment, tinago ko ang feelings ko for five years. don't worry, walang magbabago. ikaw, sabihin mo lang kung ayaw mo talaga, tatanggapin ko."
then she did not reply.

i told myself, this time, ipaglalaban ko na. ayokong magsisi sa huli. i wanted to spend my lifetime with her.

"why are you going with us? nagpapakabait ka lang dahil nanliligaw ka. di ka naman talaga nagsisimba."
"ayaw mo nun, may blessings ni Lord 'yung panliligaw ko sa'yo."

i wanted to shout, at last, naging matapang din ako. finally, di ako naduwag.

there were those times na wala akong ginawa kundi isipin ang most romantic things na pwede kong ibigay o ipakita sa kanya, things that would make her feel she's the most important woman in my life.

i cried for her once, at di na 'yun naulit. masyadong mabilis ang pangyayari. it was my fault. ako ang siraulo, wala akong ginawa to save our relationship.

yes, i am sad. imagine, for five years, nagawa kong magtago. may regrets, pero 'yun ang dapat na mangyari. maybe a great love story has ended for us. at wala na rin ang mga pangarap ko para sa'ming dalawa. but i still miss her, naalala ko pa 'yung pinag-usapan namin before.

i told her, "alam mo, sabi ng mga matatanda, kung sino daw 'yung katabi mo sa pinakamahimbing na tulog mo, siya ang makakasama mo habambuhay."

"talaga, e ikaw 'yung katabi ko 'nun e." she looked at me, and i knew, kita sa mukha ko na apektado ako.
then we laughed at each other.

i could not remember kung saan napunta ang usapang 'yun. but one thing i know, at siguro siya rin, nagbago na talaga ang lahat para sa'ming dalawa........
she sent me a message last week, nangangamusta, i did not reply. i had nothing to say. di ko alam kung bakit.

ayokong umiyak uli nang dahil sa kanya pero pakiramdam ko, di ko na mapipigilan.